My liver just broke up with me...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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