Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
