Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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