but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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