Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
