have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
