i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
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I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
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I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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