I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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