Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
