I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
should my penis look like a turkey
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
did i just pee glitter
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
