if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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