And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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