Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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