So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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