She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
