Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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