So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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