Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
