broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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