I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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