if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
