conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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