Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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