Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
