where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize