When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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