I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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