I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
