she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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