i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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