Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
