I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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