i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
