I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
