just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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