I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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