fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She needs sedatives and a leash
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
