Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
