Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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