I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
