I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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