I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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