Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
