I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
