she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
