I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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