What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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