i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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