The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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