hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
