I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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