i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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